Bad Television Announcing - Why BEls is Wrong

Americans think they want a lot from their announcers. But they don't. Really they don't. BEls writes that if Reggie Miller is only going to say somebody's name as he's lying there on the ground, then don't say anything at all.

I respectfully disagree. BEls is a turd-sniffing monkey. The best announcers have mastered the art of subtlety. They are minimalists. They understand that sometimes the best thing to do is give us a small amount of information and let us do the rest on our own. David Ortiz hits a monstrous home run to win game 4 against the Yankees? We say "David Ortiz!", watch the ball fly away, watch him round the bases, and then follow it up with "We'll see you tonight!" Great stuff. Simple, to the point, it says everything.

British football announcers are the best at this. They don't tell you interesting facts about a player's drug-smuggling uncle. They tell you who has the ball, and occasionally they tell you what they're doing with it. They keep editorializing to a minimum. A typical play might include a pass from a defender to a midfielder, to another midfielder, who passes to a forward, who shoots wide. A British announcer would say this:

"John Terry.......Lampard.......Cole......Cole finds Drogba......Drogba.....Drogba......lackluster effort"


An American announcer, of the type BEls would like, would sound like this:

"John Terry has the ball, he's a Scorpio and his mother was imprisoned for selling green brownies in order to raise money for a new car... Terry passed the ball to Lampard a few moments ago, Lampard has a funny name, he's French. I don't like the French.... Joe Cole has the ball now, not to be confused with Andy Cole who used to play for Manchester United, although both men are from Grimsby Town and grew up playing footie in the street together. Joe Cole recently regained his spot in the lineup after recovering from injuries sustained when trying to escape from a mob of crazed women who tore off his clothes while at a bar in London. Minor scrapes and bruises, but a scratched cornea.... Drogba just missed a shot..."

That is what BEls wants from his announcers. I think that is stupid. We're not that stupid. Tell me about Joe Cole's escape from a near group-rape by doing a story on it at half-time. If you're going to talk during the game, I want to be entertained. I liked Dennis Miller. I like Bill Walton. Say something entertaining, or say very little.