Am I From Darkest Peru?

My father is from Central America. There is no getting around it, even though my mother is from the great state directly to our east. That makes me a halfie. Half Latino, half white. Despite my father's being very clearly from one country in Central America, several people have decided that it is more fun, more entertaining, and more rewarding to claim that I am from any different number of Third World nations. With increasing frequency, these nations often do not contain any Spanish speaking citizens. However, the ongoing joke started in earnest roughly three years ago, when I was working with Dan.

My old boss, and (as he directed me to call him) my current best friend Dan, liked to ask me if I knew who Paddington Bear was. I have heard of said bear, but I was not familiar with the story behind him. Incidentally, Paddington Bear has his own "Official Website," which you can visit and learn all you want. The reason Dan was so keen to explain Paddington's history is because Dan believed Paddington and I shared a common homeland - Darkest Peru. That's right. Darkest Peru. I've heard of Peru, but never Darkest Peru. I'm not sure exactly where that is, but Dan believes that everything south of the equator, not including Australia and the Antarctic, qualifies as Darkest Peru. Perhaps this is why in the past three years, Dan has suggested that my relatives live in Bolivia, El Salvador, Ecuador, Venezuela, Chile, Cameroon, Liberia, Chad, Botswana, The Congo, and The Gambia. Hey, it makes him laugh, and there's only really two countries in the world that I don't want people to think I'm from. Both are too far north for Dan to include in his list.

Now, I've done some researching on Paddington Bear. It quickly became clear that he and I share very little in common. Let's start with homeland. While I was born in Seattle and have lived here my entire life, Paddington Bear was born in Darkest Peru, and lived there for several years. While both my parents raised me, Paddington was orphaned during an earthquake when he was only a few weeks old, and was in turn raised by his Aunt Lucy. How sad. At some point in her old age, Aunt Lucy made the selfish decision of moving to Lima (I assume that she and Paddington were living in Darkest Peru) to take residence in a home for retired bears. Paddington would have to go elsewhere, so Aunt Lucy taught him English, and then taught him perhaps the single most important skill for anybody living outside of The United States, Canada, and Europe - sneaking into a country by hiding on a boat. That's right, Aunt Lucy had Paddington hide on a boat and smuggle himself into England.

I assure you, I am a legal resident of this country. When my Central American relatives visit, they do so by obtaining a visa. Most of the time, they just fly to Miami to shop, never making it up to our corner of the country to say hello. But occasionally they come visit, go to school in LA, or go on a cruise to Alaska with my parents. I wonder if they're smuggling in others on those cruises? Who knows. There is no logical connection between myself and Paddington Bear.

Now if the story of Paddington is a bit too much to swallow, it gets better. Paddington eventually arrives at Paddington Station in London. There is no explanation of how he gets there from the boat on which he traveled. I don't need to be a geography expert to tell you that boats from Peru don't dock in London. What important facts of Paddington's journey are we not being told? How many knife fights did he get into on the boat? How did he feed himself? Does a stuffed bear even have to eat? And how did nobody notice and walking, talking, stuffed bear? What would happen if he fell and shattered one of his glass eyes? Can he regain his eyesight simply by replacing the eye? In either case, somehow he arrives in London and is taken in by a loving family that disregards his disheveled appearance. I'm pretty sure that in any London transportation station, you are told not to give money or food to the homeless beggars. So taking one home to live with you seems like gross disregard for this instruction. And one last fact. His real name is Pastuso, so why do we persist in calling him Paddington?

Here's the real issue. What do they mean exactly by Darkest Peru? The name insinuates that there is no civilization, no culture, no education. But let's examine the facts. In Darkest Peru, bears speak like humans. On top of that, the bears are smart enough to teach their young how to speak other languages, like English. I'll bet these bears have organized sports leagues, libraries, five star restaurants, and incredible musicians. And what happens when bears get old? They move to the human cities. Sounds to me like Darkest Peru is where its at. Who wouldn't want to live with a bunch of cordial, easy going, talking bears? I think it sounds much cooler than living in, say, St. Louis, or Tulsa, or Oklahoma City.

So I say Boo to anybody that believes that Darkest Peru is a backwards place. And from now on, when Dan tells me that I am from Darkest Peru, I will consider it a compliment. Perhaps someday Paddington and I can go paint balling. I think that would be a lot of fun.