My Future Life as an Uncle

Great news from the family in the last few months - my brother and his wife are pregnant and expecting sometime this fall. I am pumped, although I'm not sure exactly what to do with this information. My brother, who as you can tell from the picture is incredibly photogenic (and somehow I'm even worse 0ff in the photogeneity department), decided that as he was entering his 30s, it was time to start procreating. All the signs were there. They bought a house together, they have two dogs, a yard, and they live out in the country. And they needed somebody else to play video games with - which is actually the single biggest reason that I don't have kids yet. Who wants to share their PlayStation 2 with somebody else? Total crap, I say. Anyway, it was getting to be time to have some little ones running around, so they got to it. My sister-in-law, who's picture turned out poorly (I think there was something wrong with the background lighting, maybe she was standing in front of the sun?), was of course part of the process. Bear in mind that this is the photo of my sister-in-law that comes up when you google her, so technically speaking, this is what she looks like. Part of the charm lies in how my brother and sister-in-law chose to break the news to the rest of the family.

Our family has initiated a new tradition - family breakfast/lunch on the third Sunday of every month. As the great family man he is, this is my brother's idea. I personally can't handle driving 30 minutes to see my family every third weekend of the month. I love my family, but come on. Seriously. It's one of the reasons that I live 30 minutes away from them. To begin with, my dad attracts fat and tall people. On planes, at movies, while dining, you name it. Whatever would make the experience less enjoyable, that is the type of person that sits next to/in front of my dad. I try and avoid him in public places because of this. Hell, he even got attacked by a dog and bitten on both legs last week while riding his bicycle. My mom - well - she has the mom thing going. She can look at me and make me feel guilty about not (a) living up to my potential as a human being, and/or (b) not doing as well in school as I could. I suppose these are both connected. And she has amazing powers of instilling guilt for a non-Catholic or non-Jewish mother. My brother and my sister-in-law have two dogs. I borrowed their car recently and I'm still sneezing. I keep finding dog hair all over my clothes and apartment. I even found some dog hair in my bed last week. I promise you, when I sleep with dogs, I keep it on the couch, so I have no idea how that hair made it in to my bed.

So there we are, at family lunch, Sunday at 11:30ish. We're at a Mexican restaurant, eating tortilla chips as we wait to place our orders, when my brother blurts out, "So... you guys are going to be grandparents." That's it. No, "Hey guys, we have something to tell you", or, "We have an announcement to make!". Just, "Pass the chips please. You guys are going to be grandparents." My brother specializes at this type of thing. He loves to diminish his own achievements, probably because he doesn't feel like it's proper to shamelessly promote yourself. I don't agree with him on this - I have to pimp this blog if anybody's going to read it. But seriously, having kids is a big deal! Announce it! You made a little human! We're all happy for you buddy. But my brother doesn't like to be predictable either. This is the guy who decided that he was going to become a NASCAR fan because, as a Latino, it was the sport people least expected him to care about. I guess as a market analyst, he probably had access to the demographics for NASCAR. Don't talk to him about how poorly Michael Waltrip is doing this year. It hurts him.

As my old boss told me on the day I quit, I am selfish. I believe the quote was, "You know what, you are just like a typical little brother, selfish, always thinking about yourself!". Because I hate to disappoint, I will now produce my selfish list of Uncle demands, for my brother to read. I don't need his approval, these are unilateral and unalterable (2 years of law school helped me word that sentence).

1. I will only baby-sit when it is both convenient and I am willing.
2. I reserve the right to feed your child junk food, and then leave once he/she spazzes out.
3. You do not have the right to act this way with my children when you too become an uncle.
4. When your kid gets older but is still a minor I will supply him/her with alcohol.
5. I will always be the Cool Uncle, the one who never punishes and always says yes and takes the kids to sporting events while you clean up after his messy ass at home. As I will be feeding the kid at the game, see #2, supra.
6. I will take your son to a nudie bar when he turns 18. While there, I will relate to him any and all adventurous sexual experiences I had before I got married to his aunt. He will talk about it in front of his aunt, and I will get in trouble. At this point, I will cease to be the Cool Uncle and I will become the Weird Uncle, see #5, supra.
7. I will require a key to your place. I will say it is so I can drop your kids off and pick them up to assist you in your child-rearing duties, but really it will be so I can eat your food and watch your movies. I will crap on your new flooring and blame it on the dogs.
8. At some point, I will take your child to get a tattoo, one that will be incredibly embarrassing when they finally learn what Yo Amo Mexico means (self-respecting Guatemalans probably wouldn't do this to their nieces/nephews, so this one is probably not going to happen).

So there you have it. This is what you have to look forward to Brother. Your selfish, small-minded little brother, is planning to work against all your parenting efforts simply to entertain himself. I hope you're ready for it. Because as Charlton Heston once said in Ben Hur, "You may conquer the land. You may slaughter the people. But that is not the end. We will rise again!"